Jacob and Axelle

This journey has had so many ups and downs. One milestone was Becky getting pregnant so soon after we had lost Evangeline. It was an exercise in despair, jealousy, growth and patience for us. I have come now to see the myriads blessings that God had in the works that I could not have fathomed in the depths of my pain. This was punctuated by the events of May 27th, 2011.

Becky had been sick that week with the stomach flu, so I was upset. I was sad that she would not be able to visit me in the hospital for a few days, I was worried for her being sick and for the baby, as she was only 35 weeks pregnant. She had been having what I kept warning her were contractions for a few weeks already, but what she said were just cramps. From my hospital bed, we had discussed so many times the possibility that we'd be placed in the same room, should I still be there when she went into labour, but always thought it'd be fun even to visit each other's rooms. Once Becky was feeling better, on Friday the 27th, at about 4pm,she came to visit me and thought she'd stop at the L&D nurses' station to ask some questions about some loss of fluid she thought she might have had during her flu. They hooked her up to a monitor. My dad came to visit me and as he entered the room my mom called inquiring as to Becky's whereabouts as she had left a while earlier to visit me. I mentioned to my dad that he might want to check L&D as Becky might be there. He came back about 15mins later and said that Becky was indeed in labour. (!!!) Patrick managed to track Marc down (they were both working) and Becky was stable by progressing very slowly. They decided they would keep her overnight to monitor her. She asked (for the millionth time, she said) if she could be placed in my room that night, as the bed next to me had just (one hour earlier!!) become available. They agreed!!! (My nurses said they wouldn't have it any other way, and would have done it without our asking, even :) Then things started to go wonky for Becky and Jacob. She was having a placental abruption and Jacob's heart rate was reflecting that fact, so off to the OR they ran (TV style, running down the hallway!) and Jacob was delivered at around 9pm with the whole family in my room waiting for news. (The perks of being a longtime patient, no one ever asked our guests to leave past visiting hours). At about 1am Becky was wheeled into our room. Jacob had to stay int he nursery for a few days, but I was still the first person in our family to hold him. We spent the best 5 days of my pregnancy together, with the curtains open in our room, making it feel palatial compared to what I was used to, with friends and family and most importantly my sister and our husbands there, almost 24/7. Needless to say, the following week, once Becky left, was the longest and hardest of my stay. With Becky (dealing with postpartum hormones) and I calling each other and crying daily. Her visits with Jacob would become the highlight of my stay in the 6 weeks I had left there, and in my month at home while still immobile.

Poor Maudy, had a much tougher delivery. Compared to my 7 or so hours and Becky's 5 hours (from visit to birth). She had failure to progress and then so much pain before the epidural. The whole family, both sides, waited patiently in the waiting room for Axelle to arrive , which she did to great fanfare around 6pm. She is such a happy little girl, and the apple of her Daddy's eye!

Oh my....

That same weekend, Mother's Day, I was admitted to the hospital. I stayed there for 9 whole weeks (2 months less a day!) without access to my computer or the internet and let this project sliiiiiiide. When I got back, at 32 weeks according to the hospital (31 weeks according to my doctor) I was confined to bed until 36 weeks and then was given permission to wiggle around some over the weekend of August 13-14 as I was to have my stitches out at 7am August 15th. I went into labour on August 14th and had the stitches removed that night.
Our sweet little Benjamin was born at 2:34am on August 15th. Just 12hrs (or so) short of Dr.'s projection from the week before. After such a dramatic pregnancy, the labour was mostly quick and uneventful- aside from an epidural that didn't fully take. I dilated from 1cm (where I had been for the entire pregnancy- Thank God for my cerclage!) to 4cm the second the stitch was cut. A couple hours later I was ready to push. It took 12 minutes apparently. Little Ben had the cord wrapped so tightly around his neck it had to be cut off. He wasn't breathing, and then he did! Never a sweeter sound. He was so tiny, albs, 14ozs, but considering he was almost 4 weeks early, and that I had only gained 6lbs, it was good.

He was curious from the beginning. Looking around and making eye contact. He slept well and wanted to nurse constantly. I had trouble with my supply and he was losing weight. We discovered at the end of the week, after bottle feeding him for the week, in addition to nursing and pumping, that he was tongue tied!! It was snipped and he started gaining weight quickly.

Life has just whizzed by. Benjamin will be 8 months old next week. He is extremely social, loves smiling, giggling and his whole family. He gaggles away and loves eating, although we can tell he's eager to eat our food, not just baby food. He's funny already and loves when he gets us to laugh. He is the joy of our hearts. Everyone (right?) says that being a parent is the most rewarding thing they've done. I feel like Ben is a miracle that was sent just for us by God and through the intercession of Evangeline. He is a blessing to our whole family. He is our ever happy, smiling angel. I am so excited for the adventures we will continue to have, although I wish I could slow it all down. I am blessed to know him, and Patrick and I are beyond favoured to have been chosen as his parents.

I'll write a separate post about the joy that is being an aunt! :)

Ugh...

Just realized that while this weekend is 23 weeks, the exact point we lost Eva, it also happens to fall on Mother's Day.

On the other hand, we're almost past this hurdle, just a few more days....

Ups and downs....

Well, we know for sure that this little bunny wiggling around constantly is a boy, a healthy little boy. We're so happy everything is okay and that he's doing well, despite my lack of weight gain thus far. We're happy to have passed 21 weeks. Next goal is 24 weeks, just 2 1/2 weeks away. Sounds so soon, feels so far.

Up until recently Bunny has been kicking me mostly around my belly button, but the last couple days he started added some kicks really low. Nothing that hurt, but low enough to freak me out. I keep reading that  with or without the cerclage the baby's kicks can't cause dilation. I am praying hard that this is true. Last night the kicks started migrating back towards my belly button, but it still terrifies me. Patrick too. He keeps asking if I'm okay. I feel okay, just anxious. And so I write....

It is very frustrating to have to mix family and friends' events. I feel jealous of sister and sister in law who are continuing with work and their daily lives, while I live on the couch or in my bed. But I will gladly do all this to have a healthy, strong (as close to full term as possible) baby. I know it's not a walk in the park for Becky either, who's in a lot of pain, but I feel I would be better able to handle the physical pain than the constant worry. I've read that if you can get to 26 weeks, the chance for losing the baby due to IC go WAY down. It's not so far away, but there are so many minutes in between.

I pray all the time, to God to literally hold my cervix closed and lately for Bunny to start hanging out higher in my belly again. I pray for strength and patience and peace of mind....

I feel defective....

I woke up crying this morning. I feel broken. There are certain things women are mostly able to do, and I can't. Something as natural as childbirth is a struggle for me. It's not fair. I've just passed the 19 week mark and some people seem to imply that it should get easier. Yes, it should. For most people. Unfortunately for me it'll get harder/scarier before it gets easier. I'm almost at my next milestone, at least. I had said once I have the surgery (which was the first milestone)...I have a list of goals.
-Get to week 20, because there will definitely be more time behind me than ahead of me.
-Get to week 24, because it's the cusp of viability for micro-preemies.
-Get to week 26, because chances of survival go way up.
-Get to week 28, because chances of complications due to prematurity go down.
-Get to week 30, because Pat was born at 30 weeks, and he turned out pretty good :) As well as less risky!
-Get to week 34, because my bed rest will be pretty much ending.
-Get cerclage out....
-Bring home healthy baby.

When I look at it this way, it doesn't look too bad.

Every night, right before I fall asleep, I ask God to wrap His hand tightly around my cervix and keep it there until the baby is big and strong enough to thrive outside of me. I feel like He is so far. I just have to get through the next little while, just around the bend....

The battle is mostly mental these days....

It really is.

People keep asking how I'm doing, how I'm recovering from surgery. Physically, I guess I'm fine. I feel mostly okay, aside from some light cramps, pressure, etc. from the stitches. I won't really know until my ultrasound in 4 weeks. And that, is the hardest to bear. The slightest little cramp, sends my mind reeling. I've read that it's all normal, but I don't know. I have to actually refrain myself from running to the ER everyday. The spotting seems to have stopped, thank the Lord. I sometimes wish there was a little window, through which I could see baby bean and my cervix.
I've also lost weight since the surgery, about 5lbs. I hope I can gain it back simply. It scares me. I haven't had much appetite, but I'm trying to eat three meals a day....but they're mostly small meals. I just want this baby to be okay and thrive and be born at a healthy weight. If s/he is going to come early on top of it, I need to make sure s/he has at least the advantage of weight.
These last few days, in addition to praying for a healthy, as close to full term as possible baby, I'm also praying for my own peace of mind. My heart starts racing so quickly, with any little thing, and my mind is tired. Even my dreams are filled with fears. Please, God....help this baby and help me....

Cerclage-An extra line of defense

I had my cerclage this week.

There were little miracles happening that I didn't notice at the time. Some, I still can't see, but I hope my eyes will be opened to them eventually. The biggest one...After waiting two hours for a bed, they cancelled my surgery. At the time I did not know that they had cancelled all inpatient surgeries. There were no beds. On the way home, Patrick said we need to call the Dr.'s office and ask them what to do. I was annoyed, I said our Dr. is at the hospital, the secretaries can't help us. I still listened to him and called. The secretary seemed livid that the hospital would cancel such a time sensitive surgery. She then told me she'd handle it. 5 minutes later, the hospital called me and told me to come back, they'd do the surgery after all.

So, at around 1pm I was in the OR. (We had initially arrived at the hospital at 6am, as per their instructions). By 2:30pm, I was back in my room. The surgery was painless but very uncomfortable, quick, the epidural was strong. I had already started dilating, so this confirmed for our Dr. that she was doing the best thing for our baby, that I truly have an incompetent cervix.  There were some complications about 8hrs later that our genius nurses figured out and fixed. I was kept in for 48hrs. I was sent home yesterday on full bed rest with slight bouts of modified bed rest allowed. I'm still spotting. I'm pretty much a bleeder, however, so the slight spotting isn't alarming to the doctor, or even to me. I've read it's quite common after a cerclage. I will feel much better after it stops.

Last night Becky called me to tell me she'd heard on the news and read in the paper about all the surgery cancellations at our hospital. It was a big deal. There were no beds, so much overcrowding. 13 surgeries were cancelled, including a man who wrote in and was supposed to have prostate surgery on his late stage cancer. Mine was the only one that was put back on the roster. With me having started to dilate, and no one knowing (not us, or our doctor, recent ultrasounds showed a normal cervix), this procedure, done when it was, just gave our little peanut a fighting chance. A miracle.

Now, I need to get to 20 weeks, and I'll have more time behind me than ahead of me. I've broken down my goal into smaller little goals. We can do this.